


The Maddest Kind of Love

by Arcadias_Fire



Series: The Strange Path [4]
Category: British Actor RPF, Doctor Strange (2016), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 11:30:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15095825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcadias_Fire/pseuds/Arcadias_Fire
Summary: Loki smiled, brilliant and blinding, then looked down. Away. “I would stay for as long as you’ll have me.”Tom’s breath hitched. He stepped in front of the god, laid his hand on Loki’s cheek, gazed into his eyes. “Forever. Stay with me forever.”Loki smiled that radiant, pure smile again. Kissed Tom, pulled him close, whispered to his lips. “As you wish, my sweet mortal, as you wish.”What could be madder than falling in love with yourself? Falling in love with a fictional character who's slated to die, who happens to look just like you.





	The Maddest Kind of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Part four of the Strange Path, or what would happen if Tom actually _told_ Loki what was supposed to happen in _Infinity War._

 

Was there a technical term for falling in love with a fictional character? Was the word different if it was _your own_ character? It didn’t seem like the sort of thing to happen often, but you never know.

 

Tom stared at his ceiling, pondering the finer points of the English language - not an usual topic in his personal contemplations - and how it related to the more extraordinary points of his own life. He was fairly certain that he was going mad. He had a mad life, after all. He had the most ridiculous schedule, a relationship he had to keep hidden - not that they saw each other that often anyway - and half the time he didn’t know if he was coming or going.

 

But… this was different.

 

He might have discounted it as a particularly vivid dream, if it hadn’t happened again. And again. And again. He’d been dreaming of Loki for three weeks now.

 

At first, it was just chatting. They talked about their lives and loves. Loki filled in gaps for Tom and Tom told the god of his life on Earth. Tom knew that Loki was desperately lonely, that he felt isolated, an outcast. Tom understood. Of course he did. He understood every character he’d ever played, even those that were madder than Loki. It was all about love and pain.

 

So they talked

 

They had quickly become friends. Loki was so happy to find someone who listened and didn’t judge him; that he could talk to for hours, and who would actually understand. Tom was happy to have someone really listen to him as well, and have a different perspective on… well, everything.

 

But chatting had moved to something more when Loki had tentatively kissed him.

 

That had been four days ago.

 

He wasn’t sure when it was for the god. Tom knew that Loki had access to the Tesseract, which given that the Stone was - or had been - on Asgard, could be any time within a two or three year period.

 

He hadn’t asked.

 

He didn’t want to know.

 

But that kiss…

 

It had been brilliant. Soft and affectionate at first. Then urgent as the god recognized that Tom reciprocated; that he wasn’t being rejected. It was glorious. The god tasted like exotic herbs, green and bright, and Loki was easily the best kisser that Tom had ever encountered. It made him wonder if the moniker “Silvertongue” hadn’t come from this rather than the god’s smooth, convincing way of speaking.

 

It made him wonder how that tongue would feel other places.

 

That the kiss hadn’t instantly dissolve into sex made Tom think this might actually be something more than a dream. He’d been pondering that for some time, honestly. There was so much continuity to the dreams; every day followed the previous one. Built upon what they had discussed; the relationship growing. And if it had been a dream - a normal dream - then he would have expected the god to just fuck him and be done with. That’s how sex dreams usually went, not this slow build up of tension with no release.

 

No, instead Loki was _courting_ him.

 

It wasn’t exactly formal. No gifts or declarations, but they went walking together in an almost Victorian manner, speaking lightly and smoothly as they strolled through the gardens of Tom’s imagination. It reminded him of the period dramas he’d done as a younger man, only he was dressed in modern clothes, and Loki’s asymmetrical green tunics would have looked out of place anywhere but Asgard.

 

Was this the sort of thing he would have come up with for himself? Was the dissatisfaction of constantly being secondary in his barely-there relationship pushing his mind to the point where he wanted to be some Regency maiden? A blushing Elizabeth Bennet with his own dark and dangerous Mr. Darcy? He wouldn’t have thought so. Then again, he would have thought that Loki would either be fairly asexual - as Tom had portrayed him - or would jump directly to sex with no intervening time for courtship; that romance would have been alien to him.

 

But now, in his dreams, they strolled side by side through the infinite garden.

 

Part of him wanted little more than to spend every moment in this lovely garden with the beautiful god. Loki listened to him, laughed at his jokes, made Tom feel like he was the most important person in the universe, but without the abject, sycophantic hero worship that he faced so often. Tom was falling in love and he knew it. He was falling in love with a figment of his own imagination.

 

If that wasn't madness, what was?

 

So he dropped hints that Loki should stay here, always. Live in the garden forever. He initialed kisses more and more. Began moving further, letting his hands wander where they willed.

 

The god let him take the lead. Let Tom make these moves in their courtship dance. Allowed the human to push him down into the grass. Strip away his clothes - illusionary as they were - and worship his alabaster skin under the pleasant spring sunshine.

 

If this was a dream, he would make the most of it. If it was reality, he couldn't regret it.

 

Not when Loki reciprocated move for move, touch for touch, taste for taste. Made Tom's clothes vanish with a wave of his hand. Kissed Tom's golden skin with wet, pink lips and silver tongue.

 

He had been right about that tongue.

 

Making love to a god in your dreams, what could be madder?

 

Falling in love with him. That was madder. The maddest.

 

o0o

 

Going to sleep with one lover only dream with another, that was mad. Tom wondered what his body was doing while his dream self was making passionate love to a god. Ben hadn’t mentioned anything, so perhaps nothing? He'd never woken to discover himself sticky with release, just sated and relaxed.

 

Tom's wondered if he should discuss this with his lover. It's not as though their relationship had ever been exclusive. They'd always had other people - women, generally - and taking on a new partner was something they usually talked about, but this wasn't something Tom wanted to explain. Then again if you couldn't tell your best mate that you thought you were going insane, who could you tell?

 

No one.

 

If Ben had given any indication that he thought anything had happened or that Tom was acting strangely at all, the younger actor would broach the subject, but Ben said nothing and Tom kept silent. Tom thought he might be acting a touch distracted, but that was all.

 

And of course he was eager to sleep.

 

But more often than not, Tom slept alone. When by himself, he went to bed early, rushing to his god.

 

He opened his eyes to the formal gardens in his mind. Loki stood by a regimented series of rose bushes, looking up at the sky. When Tom entered the dream, the god looked over and smiled at him. It was an innocent look - pure pleasure at seeing the human - without even a hint of mischief. It was joy, dazzling delight that Tom had returned to him.

 

Tom took the space between them at a run, threw himself at Loki - who caught him easily - kissed the god, wrapped his legs around his waist, held him as tightly as he could.

 

“I missed you too,” Loki said, a touch of laughter in his voice. “To what do I owe this enthusiasm?”

 

Tom pulled away enough to stand. “I wanted to see you. I always want to see you.”

 

The god laid a hand on Tom’s cheek, gazed into his eyes. “I’m always here.”

 

“Are you?”

 

Loki nodded. “A part of me is.” He kissed Tom, softly, gently. “You made a home for me here long ago.”

 

“I did, didn’t I?”

 

“You did.” Loki pulled away and drew Tom’s arm through his own and lead him down one of the nearby paths. “It feels right to be here.”

 

Tom kissed his cheek. “I’m glad.”

 

Loki smiled, brilliant and blinding, then looked down. Away. “I would stay for as long as you’ll have me.”

 

Tom’s breath hitched. He stepped in front of the god, laid his hand on Loki’s cheek, gazed into his eyes. “Forever. Stay with me forever.”

 

Loki smiled that radiant, pure smile again. Kissed Tom, pulled him close, whispered to his lips. “As you wish, my sweet mortal, as you wish.”

 

o0o

 

It had actually gotten to the point where physically having sex felt odd. He still loved it - savored the sensations of taking and being taken - but it was different in a way that he couldn’t explain, even to himself. But his body still craved the feeling of a lover’s hands on his skin, to be touched in reality as well as phantasy.

 

So he fell asleep sated, Ben at his side, and opened his eyes to see Loki in his dreams.

 

The god’s eyes lit when Tom arrived, as they always did. The actor had wondered how the god passed his time when Tom wasn’t here, but it seemed rude to ask. They embraced, kissed, held one another for an infinity.

 

There was an intimacy to this. Simple, honest. This standing perfectly still simply in the presence of one another. Soaking into one another’s skin. Taking on one another’s essence.

 

It was an eternal span of time in this state before either of them moved. Loki shifted against Tom, an almost unconscious movement, like someone stirring in their sleep. Then the god’s head suddenly jerked up.

 

Tom pulled away from the revery he’d been in for an eternity. “What is it?”

 

Loki looked up at the perfect sky, his pale eyes looking beyond the blue. He frowned. “There’s something…” Abruptly, the god vanished from Tom’s arms.

 

“Loki?” He looked around, but there was no sign of the god. “Loki? Where are you? Loki?”

 

As suddenly as he’d left, the god returned. He smiled at Tom and kissed him. “Forgive me.”

 

Then Tom was awake and back in his bedroom. He looked around. Ben was looking at him with narrowed eyes and a slight frown.

 

“What?” Tom frowned back at his lover. How had he gotten back here? Why was the other actor awake? Had Loki been talking to him? “Ben? What’s going on? Are you alright?”

 

“Sorry, I’m not Ben at the moment.” Ben’s voice was wrong. Instead of his normal posh, clipped tones, his accent was pure New York.

 

Tom turned his focus inward. _Loki? What the hell is going on?_  

 

Loki’s reply was tinged with surprise. _Dr. Strange was demanding to speak with you._

 

Tom spoke aloud. “Oh, I see.” Then to Loki again. _What does he want?_

 

Loki’s mental voice was disdainful. Tom knew that the god really didn’t like Strange, despite having worked with the sorcerer successfully in the past. _He has been attempting to_ **_persuade_ ** _me to abandon you._ There was snarl and Tom got a strong impression of the god being ready to rip the sorcerer apart.

 

Tom’s blood ran cold. _How so?_

 

_He believes I should return to my home realm. I believe he intends to enlist your aid._

 

 _No chance._ Tom recalled his attention to the physical world again. Mere seconds had passed. “You want me to try and convince him to leave. I won’t do it.”

 

Ben… Dr. Strange frowned at him more deeply. “You know what’s at stake.”

 

Tom did _now._  “And that’s why I won’t ask him to leave. I’ll try and keep him here with me for as long as I can. I’m not going to ask him to walk into… into _that._ I will not sacrifice him. He’s better off here with me.” Tom's mind was reeling. He was speaking with Dr. Strange who was inhabiting Ben’s body just like Loki had told him weeks ago. This proved that it was all real. Everything was real. It _mattered_ if Loki went home or not. If the god returned home, he would die. The man that Tom had fallen in love with would cease to exist.

 

Dr. Strange hunched forward. He frowned at Tom. “Don’t you care?”

 

Tom shook his head. “Not especially. You see, for me, it’s already happened, and this is the only thing that can change it.” He’d died with Loki - several times, in fact - and that was even before he’d met the god himself. Tom had only _been_ Loki then, not in love with him.

 

Well, maybe a bit in love with him.

 

The magician rolled his eyes. “That’s not how time works.”

 

Tom sat up straighter, pushed himself up so as to put the extra two inches he had on Ben to good use. “Would you like to read the scripts?” Tom gestured towards the door with an angry hand. “I know you’ve already seen what happens. Do you want to see what changes were made? How the lines were written?” He folded his arms over his chest and glared at the sorcerer.

 

Strange held his hands out and nodded. “Okay, I don’t entirely understand how our two universes interact, but I _know_ that we’re lost unless Loki comes back with me.”

  
  
“I and I know what happens to him if he does, so no.” Tom shook his head.

 

“Are saying one life is worth trillions and trillions?”

 

One life for trillions? One life in the real world, one life that he loved instead of trillions who might not even be real? Besides, that was hypocritical load of bollox coming from Strange. “Are you really going to ask me that?”

 

They glared at one another for a long moment. Dr. Strange looked away, apparently unable to meet Tom’s angry-Loki scowl. “Go home, Dr. Strange. I’m not helping you. I have a chance to save him, and I will.”

 

Strange’s hard blue eyes met his. “You’ll regret that.”

 

“Never.” Tom dropped away and pulled Loki back to where he had been. Let the god deal with the magician. Tom hovered near the surface of his consciousness so he could observe their conversation.

 

“My mortal is wonderful, is he not? So devoted.” Loki sounded ridiculously smug. Tom could feel the other's grin and smiled at the god’s obvious pleasure in the actor’s defense of him.  

 

“He’s going to cause the destruction of our universe,” Strange growled.

 

Loki raised an eyebrow. “I find that highly unlikely.”

 

Strange threw up his hands and looked to the heavens. “You don’t understand.”

 

Loki shook his head. “It’s not so much that I don’t understand. More that I do not care.” The god grinned, sharklike and bright.

 

Strange rubbed his forehead. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by that. I am surprised by _his_ reaction.” The sorcerer gestured towards their chest.

 

Tom felt a surge of anger from the god, and then found himself back in the garden. He shouted at the sky. “Loki, let me back up there, you bastard!” Tom paced back and forth along the white gravel path. “Loki!”

 

A window of sound opened in the sky and Tom heard Dr. Strange’s voice, intense and sharp. “...and you need to come home to make it happen.”

 

Ice filled Tom’s veins. “No, Loki no! Don’t go back, please.”

 

He felt Loki curl his lip. “Leave me be, Strange. I will not help you.”

 

“He’ll kill Thor without you there.”

 

And Tom could feel the god’s resolve wavered.

 

“Please, no!” The actor frantically pushed forward the memory of watching himself be killed. Watching as purple fingers wrapped around his own throat. The sickening crack of a broken spine. “He’ll kill you.”

 

 _What is this?_ The god’s attention turned inwards. _Is this the future?_

 

“Yes. Please don’t go. Please. He’ll kill you. He’s after the Tesseract. He… you... just don’t go back. Thanos will kill you.”

 

Tom felt the god’s attention return to the outside world. His voice was sharp; angry. “And if my host is correct, I will die no matter what. I have spent centuries evading death’s claws. I have a place here where I am loved and accepted. Do you think me a fool?”

 

_Yes, I love you. I accept you and all that you are. I need you. Don’t leave me._

 

Strange’s voice got louder as he muttered the words in confidence into Loki’s ear. “No, I think you’re very very smart. I’m sure you can figure out a way to ‘evade’ death again and still save your brother. And everyone else.”

 

Tom could feel Loki considering this. Plan after plan flew through the god’s mind, skimming the edges of Tom’s consciousness. Each plan hitched, bumped as though the flaws were potholes in a road. Tom caught his own image stream past over and over.

 

Loki turned his attention back to Strange. “And how would I return here again once I have completed your _mission_? The Titan will demand the Tesseract, and without it, I will be trapped.”

 

Loki didn’t want to go - he wanted to stay here with Tom - but Strange was convincing him. He could feel the god’s plans smooth out, the bumps in the road paved over. “Please don’t Loki, I know you want to stay. Please don’t go!”

 

“If I help you find a way back here, will you come home?”

 

Loki’s interest perked up. He was seriously considering it.

 

“He’s lying,” Tom shouted at the sky. “He’ll do anything to save the universe. He’ll lie, cheat, kill, anything! He doesn’t care about you, I do. He’d promise you half the universe if he had to.”  

 

“Hrm. My mortal is most distraught by this idea. He believes you will sacrifice anything to achieve your goals.” Tom relaxed a fraction. “I do not believe that you are lying, however.”

 

Tom fell to his knees. “Please, Loki, no. Don’t listen to him.”

 

The window closed and Tom was deafened and alone.

 

He sat back on his heels. Scrubbed at the tears falling down his cheeks with the palms of his hands.

 

How was this happening? How had he not _realized_ that this might happen?

 

He hadn’t thought any of it was real. And it was. It was all real.

 

_Oh god, Loki. No._

 

He’d fallen in love with a fictional character. One who was slated to die. Sacrificed on the altar of fate.

 

Or dramatic tension.

 

Pathos.

 

Something.

 

None of that seemed to matter anymore. He wasn’t about to let the man he loved be murdered. But what could he possibly do? Loki would do what he wanted, and there was nothing Tom could do to stop it. He collapsed onto his side, curled around his core and wept.

 

A few moments later, Loki knelt beside Tom in the grass. The god’s hand brushed lightly over his curls. “He’s gone.”

 

Tom pushed into the contact. “Please don’t go.”

 

Loki sighed. His fingers tightened in the human’s hair, then relaxed. “I will not go unless Strange finds a way for me to return to this realm. I’m confident that together you and I can discern a plan that will save my life and allow me to come home to you safely.”

 

Tom shook his head. “I don’t trust him. Please stay.”

 

Loki lay down beside the human and wrapped himself around Tom. “If what you showed me was true, the Titan comes for the ship. A part of me is there, anchored in that reality. If that connection is damaged, I will die just as certainly. More easily than if my body were severely harmed. In truth, I have little choice but to return if the Titan comes. He would rip the ship apart looking for the Tesseract and surely destroy everything in his wake. Myself included.”

 

“Can’t you come here? Use the Tesseract to move into this universe?”

 

Loki squeezed Tom gently. “Perhaps. I would need to recreate the accident that brought me to your realm, but bodily and without the Time Stone, which would be substantially more complicated. And there’s no guarantee that the Titan would simply not follow me here. He would find me. He would find _you_.” Loki’s arms tightened to just short of painful. “He would surely torture you to convince me to hand the Tesseract over. I could not bear that. I will not let him even _touch_ you.”

 

Tom shuddered. Nodded. Loki was more right that he could have known. “Think of something then, because I’m not letting you go.”

 

Loki kissed Tom’s hair, held him close. “I have evaded death many times; I have no doubt that I can do it again.”

 

“I hope so.”

 

“If I’m to succeed, I shall need every scrap of information you can give me.”

 

Tom sighed, nodded. “I’ll tell you everything.”

 

It was going to be a long night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I stole the title for this from a song by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.


End file.
